The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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