Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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