I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
whose parrot is this?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize