Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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