I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
