and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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