I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
