My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
