There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
