I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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