: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
