ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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