The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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