if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
