so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We left the knife in your bed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize