Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
