Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
