Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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