Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
