I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
