Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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