I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize