new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
