Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
