The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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