when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
