i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
