I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
