Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
