Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
