Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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