...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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