I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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