i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize