I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
