just tell him i said nine months
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
