Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
