finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
