Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
