It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
