I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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