you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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