my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
