like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
