I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
