i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
