I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
