this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
