if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize