1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hotel room ftw
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
