the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
