Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
