i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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