not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
