Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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