Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
