do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can I color on your dick again?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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