think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
