If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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