you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
